Deer Me

So recently I was at Dick’s Sporting Goods store, a place that I hold responsible for the time I said “I love Dick’s!” with my kids in the car (new store, I was enthused. So I said that. I regretted it instantly and deeply.). I was looking for a swimsuit. That’s not important right now, what’s important is that the person I was there with wandered into the hunting part of the store and there I discovered an entire end cap full of different types of Deer Sex Juice. Basically, and here’s where society should be concerned, you can buy bottled deer horniness. Since it was in the hunting aisle I am operating under the premise that deer with sexy feelings are better to hunt than just regular deer. I’m not sure why, but with my scientific yet sometimes cumbersome and tiring brain I am able to come up with a few hypotheses.

One might be that if you sprinkle horny deer sex juice on yourself the deer will be attracted to you, assuming that deer have no eyes and no recognition of underlying smells being outside their own species. I’m not saying deer are smart but it’s not like we’re similar in outline. We are free of antlers, generally speaking. Another possibility is that you sprinkle (and I’m going with the least gross option here for application of deer funk–small clear drops to be sprinkled about lightly is about as far as I can go. Like if deer sex juice is cloudy or viscous or any type of color I’m pretty much barfing inside. That is fucking gross. Also spraying it seems awful because that’s just too much freedom and lack of direction so it could create a potential horny deer stampede. Plus it could get in your eyes and what then? Deers humping your eyes, that’s what. Nothing good will come of that.)

I digressed a bit there but the situation is serious and requires my full analysis. A plausible theory is that horny deer are stupid. It’s possible that I am anthropomorphizing a bit but I think we’ve all been there to witness a little idiocy related to doing the sex. Maybe sexy randy deer just gambol about madly, rather than staying more camouflaged. I’m not convinced that deer are known for stealth, though I have seen them freeze quite effectively. Good stillness, deer. Don’t  move don’t move don’t move don’t move. Or maybe the deer sex juice actually causes deer sex, which seems unethical but I’m not totally sure why, and then they’re distracted so you can shoot them. I don’t think that’s right, though and it seems like kind of a dick move to shoot a deer who is getting its freak on. I’d say more polite to wait until they’re done.

All in all I was pretty disturbed and not just because of the implications of deer sex juice. I grew up in central MN and I had no idea this existed. For all I know people up there are all, “Hey did you pack the deer sex juice? Probably bring the extra one too because we are going to need a lot of deer sex juice.” If that’s the case what the fuck else do I not know about? It was just one of those times when a new section of the world opens up and you’re all, shit I did not know that. 39 years on this earth and I did not know that.