Urge Surge

So one interesting thing about me, and by interesting I mean run away, is that I have strange urges that are fairly irrational and from my point of view, very hard not to act upon. They kind of go hand in hand with my bucket list, which doesn’t have all that many items on it but still those items are of high importance. First I’ll talk about the urges then I’ll gracefully segue into the bucket list.

There is this jiu jitsu guy that I occasionally see at competitions who is built like a boulder or a culvert tipped upright and filled with concrete or maybe even iridium. He’s not very tall. The last time I saw him I had a nearly uncontrollable urge to run at him as hard as I could. Like just crash into him. I realize that this would not have ended well for me but that’s not the point. He just seems so attached to the earth or something. I analyzed the urge for a while, after confessing it to my teammates in case I lost some of my general self-possession and began inching in his direction, so that they could form a human wall between me and public humiliation. I quickly recognized that reason was not in operation here and canned the analysis. That urge haunted me the whole time we were there. That stout fucker just strolled around taunting me with his sturdiness and immovability. I still feel unfulfilled, having not collided with him.

Segue: <——-See? Graceful.

Some of these urges are more theoretical, less immediately tempting. One that I’ve had for quite a while is to slap a manatee. I discussed this at women’s grappling camp, which resulted in either indulgent snickering (those who knew me) and mild horror (those who did not yet know that I am not unkind in my heart to manatees). I feel, and quite rightly so I believe, that slapping a manatee would be a very satisfying experience. It would not be out of anger or a desire to intimidate the manatee, just a purely sensory experience. I believe that there would be a bit of a shock wave rippling outward from the slap and also that it would make a nice sound. I’ve imagined it a number of times in my head and it’s always awesome, but then I am brought back to the stark painful reality that it is unlikely that I will ever slap a manatee. I do not feel that the manatee would care. They seem like pretty placid fat fuckers.

Another item on my bucket list actually makes me really mad, because it is impossible to accomplish without basically burning myself to ash. I want to touch lava, really intensely. It’s this horrible dilemma because I just want to know what it feels like but my the nerves of my hand and probably entire arm and well, if you’re that close to molten lava you’re probably fucked altogether, bodily, would be totally disintegrated before they could relay the information to my (also probably burned up) brain. I’ll get to thinking about it, and once again realize that there is literally no way this can happen, and I get upset all over again. Goddammit, lava, you elusive mistress of liquid fire.

Bald guy in the gi

Seems built like a neutron star

Run run run crash ow

 

Manatee, you are

An oaf that I want to slap

Manati means breast

 

Lava flow or spew

Either one is fine with me

Well I guess that’s hot