Enter the Plural

One thing I love is accuracy. I mean it’s a moral imperative for me. I struggle mightily not to point out people’s inaccuracies because that is not good social behavior. Probably one of my greatest temper tantrum inducers is someone saying I did something or said something that I did not, because that is inaccurate. It makes me pants-crappingly full of ire. Just so you know how much I value accuracy. To be totally accurate, I sometimes don’t mean exactly accurate, more just an acknowledgment that there might be a hilarious nod to accuracy available.

So not too long ago, some of the suburban basketball moms were in the bleachers (where we spend much of our lives) and we were talking about upcoming events. The football banquet was fast approaching, and we were discussing the logistics of it a bit. I myself had to attend it twice, and found myself saying, “Well, I have to go to two banquets so that’s painful.” Then I realized that banquets didn’t seem right as a plural. I kind of revisited it, out loud of course. “Banquices? Banquetii?” Finally it became clear to me. Of the Latin: “Banquatem.” I snickered. Alone. It was a tough crowd.

Another time I struggle is with administering potassium. It comes in huge pills, usually given as a dose of either one or two pills (aside: a patient once asked, “Where do you want me to put these?” after seeing the size of them. Haha that was funny). In the past I have had to state that I gave the pills. I am torn here, because I can say, “I gave the potassium”, meaning that the potassium is an entity of its own and I gave all of it, not that the potassium is two things paired. But there are times when the fact that there are two pills is significant, whereupon I must effectively pluralize for accuracy. Like, “The patient barfed one of the potassia; the other is still in the room. Maybe some zofran.” I will admit that I say this at least 50% for my own entertainment. Also as a bit of a shibboleth, to reveal people who are awesome (they are the ones who snicker).

Ah, English, you etymologically diverse agent of wordsmithery.